Saturday, April 27, 2013

Regenerations

Recently (like, a couple of months ago or something,) Nerimon uploaded a video about his idea of human beings regenerating. It's the idea of people (that's us) evolving. Evolving their personalities and styles and basically who they are. (Here's the video if you want to take a look at it.) Today Carrie Fletcher made a video response to that video, talking about her regenerations and that inspired me to write this blog post (which hopefully would reach the actual posting stage instead of getting buried in the Drafts graveyard alongside other dead post corpses).

Unlike Carrie, I have thought of the regeneration idea that Alex had way before he made that video (hipster alert!). I actually wrote about it in my diary in August of last year. I think it was in the early days of my fourth regeneration (that's my regeneration at the moment!) that I noticed those changes. Because like Carrie my regenerations didn't happen overnight either. I slowly changed. Like the way fish crawled to land and evolved, only it's not so much billions of years as, you know, a few weeks or months. Anyway, here are my regenerations so far:

I debated with myself whether or not I would count my pre-high school self as a regeneration, but in the end I decided to include it. Pre-High School (this regeneration was in years 2004-2008), I was a very, very, very shy girl. I hardly ever spoke in class (just ask my grade school classmates!), and I tried really hard not to get noticed. I actually remember being so insecure that I would refuse to let my hair down (I always had a ponytail) because I was scared of what people would think of me. A lot of drama happened in my elementary school and, basically, I was just one of the extras in it. I never did anything to draw attention to myself. As far as I know, I was known in my grade for two things: that I was smart, and that I did ballet with The Twins (from my point of view, they were pretty popular in grade school.) I think I kind of stopped being known for being smart in 6th grade though, when I was Top Thirteen in my class at the end of the year. And as for doing ballet, well, looking back now I was basically the tag-along. People knew I did ballet, but I was anti-social enough to make them forget about it, unless somebody told them again or they remembered through other things. That probably wasn't the very best explanation but just think about it like I was The Silence. People forget that I'm there when they don't noticed me, but when they do, then they remember that I was sort of kind of smart and also that I did ballet with the twins (Sorry Non-Doctor Who Viewers. Although this is a good excuse to start watching that show now!). OH and I think I was also known for having a crush with this guy Kristian, although, confession time, you guys! I never had a crush on Kristian! I actually liked this guy Frederick (who I never talked to and who everyone thought I hated). My first regeneration ended when I graduated from grade school and started High School. Which is where my second regeneration was at.

2008-2009. First year of high school. So many things happened that year that I'm actually contemplating giving it its own post. This was the first school year ever that I actually enjoyed. I think my teachers were a very huge part of that because they taught me so many things that, in retrospect, were very important as foundations for my future regenerations. I joined a dance troupe (whose director was my ballet teacher from the last regeneration) and I made pretty big leaps with my dancing (literally). As for my friends, they were absolutely incredible and it was largely because of them that I felt, for the first time ever in my life, content and happy. I remember laughing so much and so hard in this regeneration. I was the living definition of "Hakuna Matata." I had a great social life, I had great academic results, and, although I was still a bit insecure, my self-confidence has really improved. I also met people who are still very important parts of my life even to this day. OH and I had a thing with this guy who had a thing for me too and everyone knew it and it was awkward and uncomfortable and embarrassing and mostly not fun for my twelve year old self because I never talked to the guy because talking to guys I liked was not one of my fields of expertise. I suppose the best word I can find to describe this regeneration was euphoric. I was so happy. Although remembering what happened in this regeneration is kind of like waking up the morning after a crazy party and trying to remember what happened the night before. It's all such a blur to me. All I remember is that I was happy. This regeneration ended abruptly though, and, looking back now, it was kind of like a sugar rush. When I reached the highest point of my euphoria, I came crashing back down. Which is when my next regeneration enters.

My third regeneration is, for me, the most important regeneration I've ever had so far, but it was also one of the hardest. After just having spent a year of happiness and contentment, my parents brought me the news that I was going to Ireland and going to stay there to study. Imagine my frustration. I was finally happy, and in my point of view, they were going to take that away from me. I had to give up dancing, which was my life, and obviously I was devastated. Regenerating meant stepping outside my comfort zone, where I was safe and warm and cozy and, in the words of the Tenth Doctor, I didn't want to go. It did me a hell of a lot of good in the end though! For one, I acquired better taste in music! I also read so many books, especially in the first few months of this regeneration, to try and distract myself from the heartbreak and the unfairness and the no-one-understands-me. Seriously, it took me, like, a year to get over it. My regeneration before this has equipped with enough knowledge and skills to thrive in the harsh first-year-in-secondary-school-I-don't-know-anyone-I-don't-have-friends-halp environment. This was the regeneration where I met some of the most interesting people I will probably ever meet in my life. With these people I've started talking about ideas instead of other people (most of the time). I've also become a nerdighter, a blogger, a tumblrer, and most importantly, a her-own-opinion maker. This was the regeneration where I learned to make my own mind up about certain issues and topics, and my education is definitely a huge contributor of that. You can say so many bad things about school and the education system in Ireland (and I can too!) but it has definitely taught me about critical and logical thinking. Of course my friends were also ones to thank for that. As well as tumblr. Oh and I also became a fan of so, so, many TV shows and books, like Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Sherlock, The Lord of the Rings, and so many more. You can't get much better than that, can you?

Right now, I think I'm on my way to my fourth regeneration, where I'm starting to have real-life responsibilities. I mean I wouldn't know until years from now, but if this IS around the start of my next regeneration, TY is definitely a great separator. As I've said before TY kind of forces you to make and keep commitments, and to take responsibility for yourself and sometimes for others. I think I'm also developing my social skills this year (feel free to disagree with me), and I made good, shiny, new friendships with people I never thought I would get along with. Anyway, I'll let you all know.

Love,
Danielle.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Word Vomit

Me and my friend Kate are painting spiral designs on the walls of our Youth Centre right now. We're both part of the youth committee and it's our turn to be present on the Youth Café, so we're here. While painting the designs though, we're also talking about life. Not the small, "what's going on in your life" talk, but the big talk. The almost painfully existential talk about life. We're kind of in the middle of a mid-mid-life crisis.

I have been miserable for the past couple of months now. I'm in the middle of realising things that I haven't realised before, even though it's been staring me right in the face. I am turning eighteen next year, and I am nowhere near ready for it yet. I feel like these events are being thrust upon me so suddenly. It's like the time my parents took the support wheels off of my bike before I learned how to balance. I am not ready.

I don't know, I just feel like I want something more out of my life. Something more than what society says I should do. Go to school, finish college, fall in love, have a family. I've known this before, of course, thanks to John Green's Paper Towns. But never have I ever fully realised it. That, yes, that is all. That is what life is.

When I was younger I had so many visions of what my life was going to be like. I was going to be a doctor, as well as an astronaut, a photographer, a writer, an actress, and a dancer. I was going to feel fulfilled. I had plans. Transition Year gives you a chance to think about what your plans for the future are, and I am finding it all very overwhelming and stressful. I wish I hadn't reached the age where I had to stop envisioning my future but instead start actually living it. Because I have basically made my plan until I retire, but really, is that it? Is that really everything life has to offer? To get a good job and have nice, financially stable days? Because if it is, I am disappointed. I want something more.

So that is why I've been neglecting this blog for the past few weeks. My mind is pre-occupied. I don't know if anybody actually cares, or if I'm talking to a wall here, but. Sorry not sorry. My mind is just full of uncertainties at the moment that I can't quite shake off just yet. I'm second-guessing the things that I thought I had figured out. I'm at the point of my life where school is expecting me to have some sort of plan of what my life is going to be. I've been making decisions, important decisions that are going to be vital by the time I'm forty. I just hope I haven't made the wrong decisions. But then how would I know?
***
I'm in my room now. Just after I finished typing up the stuff above I looked at my phone and realised that it was time for me to go. So I told Kate and we packed everything up and got ready to say goodbye to the staff that was in the place and while doing so I mentioned about this problem, and we got into talking about it. The Youth leaders were actually very helpful and made me and Kate feel so much better. One of them got pen and paper and made us write down ten things we would like to do before we're thirty, and surprisingly it improved my outlook on things. I started looking forward to the things that I *want* to do instead of the things that I felt like I *should* do, and, just, made me realise (again) that I am completely free to make my own decisions in life. That I don't HAVE to go to college, or I don't HAVE to get married at this age or that. And more importantly it made me realise that there are things that I *am* sure of. And I felt better. Way better.


So. I'm sorry for all the broken promises. I'll be back in... whenever. Who knows these days.

Love, 
Danielle.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautifuuuul, and so are youuuu.


I'm sorry for the missed week last week! I'll make it up to you guys by posting more than one post this week (cray, I know). The nice weather's making me feel productive. But yeah see you guys on my next one!

Love,
Danielle.