Thursday, April 25, 2013

Word Vomit

Me and my friend Kate are painting spiral designs on the walls of our Youth Centre right now. We're both part of the youth committee and it's our turn to be present on the Youth Café, so we're here. While painting the designs though, we're also talking about life. Not the small, "what's going on in your life" talk, but the big talk. The almost painfully existential talk about life. We're kind of in the middle of a mid-mid-life crisis.

I have been miserable for the past couple of months now. I'm in the middle of realising things that I haven't realised before, even though it's been staring me right in the face. I am turning eighteen next year, and I am nowhere near ready for it yet. I feel like these events are being thrust upon me so suddenly. It's like the time my parents took the support wheels off of my bike before I learned how to balance. I am not ready.

I don't know, I just feel like I want something more out of my life. Something more than what society says I should do. Go to school, finish college, fall in love, have a family. I've known this before, of course, thanks to John Green's Paper Towns. But never have I ever fully realised it. That, yes, that is all. That is what life is.

When I was younger I had so many visions of what my life was going to be like. I was going to be a doctor, as well as an astronaut, a photographer, a writer, an actress, and a dancer. I was going to feel fulfilled. I had plans. Transition Year gives you a chance to think about what your plans for the future are, and I am finding it all very overwhelming and stressful. I wish I hadn't reached the age where I had to stop envisioning my future but instead start actually living it. Because I have basically made my plan until I retire, but really, is that it? Is that really everything life has to offer? To get a good job and have nice, financially stable days? Because if it is, I am disappointed. I want something more.

So that is why I've been neglecting this blog for the past few weeks. My mind is pre-occupied. I don't know if anybody actually cares, or if I'm talking to a wall here, but. Sorry not sorry. My mind is just full of uncertainties at the moment that I can't quite shake off just yet. I'm second-guessing the things that I thought I had figured out. I'm at the point of my life where school is expecting me to have some sort of plan of what my life is going to be. I've been making decisions, important decisions that are going to be vital by the time I'm forty. I just hope I haven't made the wrong decisions. But then how would I know?
***
I'm in my room now. Just after I finished typing up the stuff above I looked at my phone and realised that it was time for me to go. So I told Kate and we packed everything up and got ready to say goodbye to the staff that was in the place and while doing so I mentioned about this problem, and we got into talking about it. The Youth leaders were actually very helpful and made me and Kate feel so much better. One of them got pen and paper and made us write down ten things we would like to do before we're thirty, and surprisingly it improved my outlook on things. I started looking forward to the things that I *want* to do instead of the things that I felt like I *should* do, and, just, made me realise (again) that I am completely free to make my own decisions in life. That I don't HAVE to go to college, or I don't HAVE to get married at this age or that. And more importantly it made me realise that there are things that I *am* sure of. And I felt better. Way better.


So. I'm sorry for all the broken promises. I'll be back in... whenever. Who knows these days.

Love, 
Danielle.

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