Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Worries

This is an unpublished blog post I tried to write last spring that I just rediscovered in my drafts today:
Winter is my favourite season. I just love the whole feeling of those three months: the smell of smoke in the air, the snow, the cold, the fireplace, and the whole staying-inside-there's-no-way-I'm-going-out business. There's something strangely homely and familiar to me about the season. And it is strange because I've never even experienced winter until about 4 years ago. However, I have to say that I'm very, very grateful that Spring is here. Winter this year was, to be frank, rubbish. I mean, there was no snow! 
There's no particular point in this post (again). I just wanted to share some of these pictures I took when I went for a walk today while talking about... stuff. You know, marionhoney style. 
So you know the feeling of dread and nervousness that you feel in your stomach before you do something you know you're going to be terrible at, like before an exam you know you didn't study for? I've been feeling that for about 2 weeks now. I know, I've said this a couple of posts ago, but I haven't experienced this feeling for 2 weeks ever before. I'm just feeling so damn anxious all the time. And I can't do anything about it because I don't even know why I'm feeling anxious all the time. I feel fine when I'm laughing and talking with my friends but it comes back when I'm alone. I just feel so sad. Why?

I think I published the pictures mentioned in another blog post, but I never published this post, and I think it was because it was (and still is) a really big deal that I didn't even want to talk about it, even online.

The thing was that I took a risk. A giant, big, kinda foolish risk, and I didn't know how it was going to turn out. I was anxious because I was waiting for something that I wasn't sure was going to come. I was anxious because there was finally going to be a closure to a situation that has been slowly eating me up inside for the past four or so years before I wrote that post. I strayed way too far out of my comfort zone and I took a risk.

And it all paid off.

Kate and I were going to have a themed day today, in which we give each other quotes and we write about them. I was given something by T.S. Eliot:
Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
If I hadn't taken that risk a year ago, I wouldn't be anywhere as happy as I am right now. And I guess I just wanted to remind myself that things do work out in the end, no matter how awful it seems like at the time. I've been worrying a lot about the future especially over the last two months, and I have no idea how things are going to work out, and I hate that feeling of not knowing things. But things have a way of resolving themselves, even if they don't go the way you have planned it. It all fits together ultimately, like a jigsaw.

Everything will be alright.

-Danielle.

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